• June 11: Outhouse cleansing and blessing.
• July 4: Fart lighting ceremony and sulpher burn at the church followed by patriotic songs.
• July 20: Moon landing conspiracy lecture at the church by Rev. Windy.
• Each Wednesday at 7:00 pm there is the weekly Bean Soup Potluck and Fartsniff at the church.

Bless the Outhouse...
Wed the child...
Out near the barn...
Where dung is piled.

I break wind to you my brethren. Summer is the time when man should marry. Two or three shall share the outhouse seat as one. Marry many wives, for the tasks are many and great about the farm. This is the season of the crop circles in our fields. Brother Barth found one this past week in the shape of two buttcheeks, and Bishop Stephen came to witness it, and he declared it to be a true sign. This is the time also to swim in the cooling waters and break wind under the water, allowing the bubbles to rise to the surface as the souls of the blessed rise to the heavens.

Rev. F. Art Windy

• Marry your cousins. Let no strangers be in your midst lest they corrupt the bretheran.
• Marry many, for there is much to do. Two wives lessens a man's burdens. Ten wives lessen a man's burdens tenfold times.
• Marry young, for it takes ten years to find ten wives. But it takes twenty years to find ten good wives.