Set among the rolling hills of amish country, the Freewill, Hope, And Bowel Movement Church squats like a glistening marble toilet bowl, with its lid pointing toward the sky. Here every week one can hear the words of the Rev. F. Art Windy echoing off the walls like the sound of mighty flatulence. The church women try to outdo each other each week making bean soup for the Wednesday evening pot luck. Although the famous Senate Bean Soup is always popular, it is Mother Bombard's Bean Soup that is the favorite. It is served with a rich dollop scooped from the snotty vat of cup cheese. There is no recipe for Mother Bombard's. Those who know it guard it like Cerberus the three headed dog guarded the underworld in classic mythology.
The Freewillers are a plain sect sometimes known as BMers. Originally, many were from the mid west, and speak like kansans. Excrement is considered very important to these people and they spread it liberally on their fields. This is very apparent in the springtime around Lancaster county. People have been known to faint from the stench. They believe that all life flows from poo. They see their crops rise from the manure covered fields, then they eat the crops, and they eat the animals that have eaten the crops. They and their animals digest the food and excrete it again, thus completing the cycle. At their funerals it is not "dust to dust", but rather "poo to poo".
Farts are also important to them. "The smell of fart reminds us of what's important", they say. "A fart is like an amen" is another of their proverbs. Many farts are heard during the service when Rev. Windy has made a strong point in his sermon. There is a splinter sect among the BMers known as the FlamingBMers. To remind themselves of the "tongues of flame" mentioned in the bible in the passages about Pentecost they light their farts as often as they are able. Some of the Wednesday evening services after the bean soup pot luck are said to be spectacular. They allow no electricity in their buildings, relying rather on farts to light the way. The main group of the sect, called "Smellers" by the FlamingBMers, believe that the smell is more important, and they frown on lighting farts. You will know you are accepted by the Smellers when they start greeting you by saying, "Pull my finger".
As do many of the other plain folk around here, they shun indoor plumbing. Some consider their outhouses to be works of folk art with their hex signs featuring turds in pretty geometric patterns, some with tulips growing out of them. They are there to protect against the evil eye, and constipation.